TIPS FOR PARENTS
The 5 Proven Techniques
For Dealing With Defiance


"You can't make me!"

Remove her/him

This is the gold standard of defiance busting. When your child reaches the limit, simply swoop in and physically leave the store, take her out of the sandbox, end the playdate, and head home. There must be no hesitation on your part. Don't cajole, beg, or convince. Your child's banking on an emotional reaction from you -- if there isn't one, she gets no payoff. Explain your action in very clear language: "You didn't stop throwing sand when I told you to, so now I'm taking you out of the sandbox." This is bottom-line, no-nonsense discipline, and it works best when used with obviously egregious behaviors.

Create consequences

When the misbehavior isn't site-specific, or you can't just leave, or you're at home, you've got to find a threat that matters to your child. After all, one child's time-out is another child's excuse to daydream. Consequences tied to the misbehavior are best: "The longer you delay going to bed, the fewer stories I'll have time to read you." The lesson that Mom doesn't forget bad behavior can also pack a wallop. Try this: When your child acts out at a party, tell her she'll have to miss the next one -- and photograph her misbehaving. When the next invite comes, bring out the picture to remind her of why she won't be going.

Empathy

Currently in vogue is the notion of letting the child know that you understand how she feels. "I know how frustrated you are. I wish we could stay at the park all day, too, but..." This is a good choice when you suspect something besides outright defiance is causing the problem. Next time your child has a meltdown at the five-and-dime, ask yourself: Has she missed a nap? Has she eaten lunch? Is there a new baby brother at home getting all the attention? Sometimes all that's needed is a little extra loving from Mom.

Count down

"I want you in here by the time I count to five!" This tells your child that you're done asking and his time is nigh. It's an effective method if you're prepared to follow through (and have done so in the past). It's when you reach the magic number and then continue to plead that you've lost the battle. You've got to show your kids you mean business, every time -- whether it's picking them up and carrying them to the car or putting them into bed fully clothed. Some parents swear by counting backward: Zero is more final than five, which is so tempting to stretch into siiiiixxxxxx or even sevvvvvennn.

Do nothing

Unfortunately, hunger and exhaustion (or, worse, both) can render your child immune to any discipline technique. What do you do then? Sometimes, not a thing. One mom was stuck in traffic when her 3-year-old demanded a lollipop to top off his snow cone. He hadn't slept well the night before, and it was a sweltering 100-degree day. Mom said no, and it sent him over the edge. She realized the best she could do was stay calm and get home safely. Once there, she plopped her thrashing, shrieking child in the time-out chair. Within minutes, her little monster had fallen sound asleep where he sat. Sometimes, it seems, kids deal with their defiance all by themselves.

12 DO'S & DON'T'S
TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD

The 5 things that are good to say

"Please" and "Thank you." Politeness starts at the top. Not only will you model good manners for your child, but when you're mad, saying "please" can help you feel more in control of your emotions.

"The rule is..." A good way to avoid many conflicts -- or at least nip them in the bud: Make your expectations clear. Kids need to know what the rules are. And remind them as often as necessary.

"I forgive you." When your child trips up and then makes amends, let him know right away that it's over and forgotten.

"I'm sorry." While you shouldn't apologize for being the person in charge and therefore being the one making the rules ("I'm sorry -- it's your bedtime"), empathy has its place. Use it when you make a mistake: "I was late getting to the ball game, and I missed seeing you score. That's disappointing. I'm sorry."

"I love you." Express this not just in words but through your actions too. Giving a high five or thumbs-up or tousling your child's hair can let him know that you love and value him -- no matter what happened an hour before. --